About yesterday

I'll continue my story tomorrow, but I don't want to get so caught up talking about the past that I forget to write about things as they're happening now, so I'm going to interrupt myself briefly to get a few things out of my head.

Sometimes it feels strange that I'm placing Roo so late in the game. Most birth mothers place right after the baby is born. Roo will be two months old when I sign the paperwork on the ninth. I wonder if it would have been easier to do it when I was still in the hospital. I'll never know, of course, but I still wonder. How am I going to adjust to being childless after two months of single parenting? Roo is my whole world.

I woke up yesterday morning to the sounds of Roo talking to herself. I got up and went to her crib. "Good morning, baby!" I said, and I was greeted with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her little face. I was briefly elated, but my heart broke at the same time. I thought, she knows me - my voice, my smell. She knows me as her mommy. What will happen to her when it's not my voice she hears, when M is her mommy? I worry that Roo will suffer emotionally. That she will miss me, that she will be sad, that she will cry. How long will it take for her to smile that broadly for M?

I felt selfish for keeping Roo for so long, for possibly harming her emotional development. I don't want her to miss me. The thought of her missing me, of her crying and sniffling around for me and not finding me, breaks my heart all over again. As hard as it is to think of her forgetting about me, I know she will and she must, and I hope for her sake she does so quickly.

My mom and I met M and P and their little girl for dinner at Red Robin yesterday evening. It was so good to see them again. From the first time I met them, I have felt very comfortable with them. I can tell they love Roo already and I can't imagine how hard it is for them to let me take her home each time we've met. I feel a peace with them - I know they are Roo's family. Roo snuggled up to each one of them when they held her, and it did me a lot of good to see her so comfortable with them both. Roo smiles a lot for P, as though she knows already that he is her daddy.

I love knowing that Roo will have a nursery - her very own little Roo room. And I am excited for her to have a big sister. There are so many positives for Roo. I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for her - the very best thing. If only the best thing was easier for me! But the way I see it, either I can suffer now, or Roo will suffer later. Her biological father would be a terrible influence in her life, and I can't do that to her. She deserves better.

And so she'll have better. In the mean time, I am enjoying every second I have with my precious baby. I hold her while she naps. I take a million pictures. Not since Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has a baby been so eagerly photographed. I talk to her, I tell her stories. I tell her why I am placing her and how wonderful her life will be.

I hold her while I can, because one week from today, she will be in her new home. This is my last Wednesday night with her. I am going to miss her so much! As much as I love her, I will miss her. And I love her more than I could ever have imagined.