First Visit

I saw my Roo today!

It was ... amazing. Not quite what I expected, to be sure.

I thought that I would just sob as soon as I saw her. Or that when I held her, I would have to fight the urge to run out of the restaurant with her and never come back.

Instead ... it was odd. I almost didn't recognize her when I first saw her. She looked familiar, but in the sense that, oh, she reminds me of a baby I once knew. I got to hold her right away and feed her, which was nice. But I didn't feel this overwhelming sense that she was mine. She didn't feel at all like mine, or like she had ever been mine. She felt like theirs. It was like I was holding a niece of mine, a favorite niece perhaps, but somebody else's baby nonetheless.

It was so good to hold her, to feel her warm weight and stroke her soft cheeks and kiss her and snuggle with her. She napped on me for a bit, which was lovely. It was good for me to see how content she is and how much she already loves P and M. She knows their voices - she kept turning her head when they spoke. She definitely knows who her mommy and daddy are.

We took a lot of pictures and had a good time talking. They let me hold her the entire time (although I did share with my mother for a few minutes).

I felt so amazingly good when I left. I didn't feel like I wanted to take Roo home. She didn't feel like my baby anymore. I felt like she was going home with her family. I felt excited for P and M to be the parents to this amazing little baby.

I felt a bit worse later on. Evenings and nights are always harder for me. I started to feel more of a loss, I think. Because my baby, *my* Roo, is gone. She has transformed into someone else's baby. My baby no longer exists. It's strange in a sense. It's a different sort of loss. I don't miss the baby I saw today, because she isn't my baby. I miss the baby I cared for and loved for nine weeks. And that baby is gone.

I can't find the words to explain what happened or how or how it makes me feel. In a sense I feel a bit emptier than I did last Wednesday. When I placed Roo, I felt like I'd had something removed surgically without anesthetic. Now I just feel like I'm missing some internal organ. And I didn't find it today.

In a way, it's good. It's good that she doesn't feel like mine. It helps me feel that I made the right decision. She is not my baby, she is theirs. But I still feel sort of empty that the baby I knew and loved is gone.

I still love her dearly. I always will. But I love her differently. And it's going to take a while to get used to.

I am so thankful I got to see her today. She is happy and healthy, growing nice and chubby, with a strong neck and limbs and a sweet, smiling face. I can see that she has the very best care and more love than I could ever imagine. I am so thankful to P and M for being her mommy and daddy. I am so thankful for their love and concern for me! They are the most amazing people, and Roo is so blessed to have them as parents. I am so blessed to have them in my life.