Thoughts of the day, part two (not as hopeful)

I just spent the past few minutes with my face buried in my hands, sobbing.

I miss her so much, it is a tangible, physical ache. A burn. A stabbing. I wish so badly I could just hold her.

No RooMail yet. I wish so desperately for news from P and M. I know they are busy people. But it would do me so much good to hear from them more regularly. Part of me, a snide, nasty little part of me thinks, I gave them my baby, my sweet child. The least they could do is e-mail me once or twice a day. Is that asking too much?

I hate that nasty little voice, but still, it's there. Wondering where my baby is and what she is doing, if she's happy, if she's getting enough cuddles. Wondering why I am not important enough to know these things.

I have read every single e-mail I have ever received from P and M twenty times each at least. I have them memorized. I have had little else to do in the past six days.

I miss her so desperately. Part of me would take her back if I could. Part of me feels that without her, I am nothing, I have nothing. I will never be a mother again. No man will ever want me. No man will ever understand about Roo. And I don't want another baby. I want the baby I had, the baby I love so dearly. I think, if I do have another baby, I want one exactly like my Roo, identical in every way, from her big blue eyes with their long dark lashes to her fuzzy head to her chubby legs and cheeks and her wedge of a nose and button chin. I want a clone of my sweet baby. I want one just like her.

I want *her*, really. Six days later, I still think, did I really do this? Did I really sign something that says I am not her mommy anymore? How could I do that? I need her. I need to be her mommy. I just miss her so desperately. I miss knowing every last detail about her.

I need RooMail. I need it now. I check my e-mail every fifteen minutes - sometimes every five. I am desperate for something, anything about her. I wish I knew when I was going to hear from P and M. I wish I knew if I'm going to meet them on Friday or not. I think, if they've read this at all, they must think I'm crazy, and they won't want to let me near Roo.

I have been apart from her for six days, and it has been unbearable. How am I supposed to bear the rest of my life?