Three Weeks

Today makes three weeks since I placed my Roo.

I feel much like I did a week ago, in that I can't believe so little time has passed. It feels like months. I can scarcely remember what it was like to have a baby in the house. Sometimes it feels like I never was a mother, like I dreamed it all and I've just woken up.

I don't worry about Roo at all. I thought I would worry, thought I would wonder. I don't. I did at first. I wondered if she was awake or asleep, if she was being held enough (though now I doubt she was put down much at all), if she was getting lots of kisses and snuggles and if she was eating enough. But I know she is. I get regular e-mail and pictures from P and M. Roo is doing great. She is an exceptional baby - she sleeps all night, she hardly fusses, and she is holding her head up already. And she is beautiful! Everyone says so.

Roo has the very best parents. P and M are amazing people. The thought of the two of them never being parents breaks my heart. I am glad that they have Roo and her big sister. I am glad that Roo has them.

This past week has been the easiest of the past three. I am on a big obedience kick lately. I have been praying and reading my scriptures and going to all my church meetings. I feel like it has made a difference, as have the prayers offered on my behalf. I still have moments when I desperately miss my baby. I cry more than I'd like to. But by and large, I am okay. For the first time in my life, I have hope for my future. I really feel that things are going to work out, that I will be happy before long, and that I will marry someday and be a mommy again. I don't know when (soon, I hope), but I believe that it will happen.

I didn't when I had Roo. I couldn't imagine trying to date as a single mother. It seemed impossible. It wasn't important to me, because I had my baby, and that was all I wanted. But I placed her because I wanted more for her. And because I wanted more for myself. If I can believe that Roo will have the best in life, why not believe that of myself?

Three weeks ago, I lost my baby. It was, hands down, the hardest, most excruciatingly gut-wrenching thing I have ever done in my life. But for my Roo, I would do it all over again. She is worth it. And we will both be blessed.