Today

I am feeling much better today.

I still miss Roo like crazy. I still feel sort of empty, like something big is missing. I knew the second I woke up that she wasn't in the house anymore. And I sort of was okay with it. I mean, I accepted it.

The first thing I did, before I even put my glasses on, was check my BlackBerry for e-mail from P and M. And, happy day, there was a message! I read it five times. Roo slept through the night! I am so glad. And she's met lots and lots of cousins, and her big sister can say her name!

I am so glad Roo has been a good, happy baby, that she's slept. It tells me that she is where she is supposed to be. If my fear was realized and she missed me terribly, she would fuss and cry and not sleep very well. But I have been praying for two weeks now that Roo would know that P and M were her parents, and that she would not miss me. I feel certain that prayer is being answered.

I can certainly feel that I am being prayed for. I am a lot more calm than I expected I'd be. I haven't even had a big crying fit today and I've been up for a whole hour. I did nothing but cry yesterday. I think maybe the first day was the hardest.

Which isn't to say that I don't think I'll still have hard days. I fully expect to have days here and there where I just lose it. But, just for today, I feel almost okay. And my worry, and my tears, are not for Roo's happiness or safety. They are for me, because I miss having her warm weight in my arms.

I wonder when I will start to feel normal again. I would imagine that, much like when my dad died, I will have to find a new normal. A new sense of when and how things are okay, with allowances for whatever grief I need to feel.

I am so blessed to have been Roo's mother for nine weeks. They were the most amazing nine weeks of my life, and I am so thankful for them. But now it's someone else's turn, and I am learning to be okay with that.

So far, so good.