One Year Ago ...

October 25, 2008, 3:42pm:



I know I've written about this before, but since today's the anniversary, I thought I'd revisit it briefly ...

I think I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. I can't explain how, I just knew. I waited for the test to settle but I already knew what it was going to say. I was still shocked, though. I'd been hoping desperately that I was wrong, that I'd felt odd because I had a cold or the flu or food poisoning. Or that it was just my fibromyalgia wearing me down.

But there were two lines instead of one. And I freaked out. I vaguely remember shouting "No!" at the test, blinking to clear my eyes and make sure I saw what I thought I did. It felt unreal. I've read back through my journal for that day and the phrase I used over and over was, "This cannot be happening."

I wrote that I wanted more than anything in the world to go back in time and not have ever met H. I wanted to take everything back. "Okay, God," I wrote. "I get it. I've messed up. Lesson learned. Now make this go away! I'll be good, I swear."

It seems so stupid and juvenile now. I was angry with myself because now I couldn't go to Scotland in the summer, or go back to school, or get married and live happily ever after. I wrote about stretch marks and sagging and how it wasn't fair, I'd only just gotten back down to a size 12. How selfish of me to be concerned only with myself! I know why I felt that way, but I'm still amazed that it was only a year ago that I was so self-absorbed and shallow.

A lot has changed for me, besides the obvious things like having Roo and placing her. I have grown up so much. And I have a greater understanding of Heavenly Father's love for me and the plan He has for my life and for Roo's.

I do have stretch marks and sagging, and my c-section scar isn't pretty. But I don't hate my body. Instead, I marvel that my body was able to grow a perfect, healthy baby girl. I created her! I grew her! It's absolutely amazing. I did that. I gave that to her.

And I gave her the most wonderful parents on earth, fantastic people who love her every bit as much as I do, and who love me as well. I would never, not in a million years, take back the things I've done. I regret that I sinned, that I made mistakes. But had I not made them, there would be no Roo, and I simply can't imagine that. I can't accept that. I don't want to live in a Roo-free world. I have learned so much, grown so much. I learned to put someone else first, and it has made a world of a difference for us both.

One year ago, Roo was just a tiny speck, and I was just a selfish, scared little girl. Now she is a healthy, happy, perfect 3-month-old, and I am a grown woman who has done something amazing. If I took back my actions, not only would I not have had Roo, but P and M wouldn't have her either, and the thought of them not getting to be her parents breaks my heart. I had to mess up in order for one of God's precious children to get a body. I'm okay with that. Because of Christ's atonement, I can take back the sin without losing Roo. The Atonement makes ugly things beautiful and bitter things sweet. I sinned, but out of my sin came the answer to someone's prayers and the biggest blessing in my life.

I am so thankful, so blessed to have been Roo's mommy. And I am immeasurably blessed to be her birth mother. I still have that positive pregnancy test, tucked into a drawer somewhere. I take it out every now and then and look at it as a reminder that just because life doesn't turn out the way we'd like it to, doesn't mean it can't still turn out well.