Fifth Visit

I just got back from a fantastic visit. I met with Roo and her mommy and sister this morning and it was great. I held Roo the whole time. She wasn't sure what to make of me at first. She looked at me like, "Do I know you? I'm not sure you're allowed to hold me." She wouldn't eat at first either because she was too busy scrutinizing me, deciding if it was okay that I was holding her. Then she sucked down all eight ounces, with a brief pause halfway through to spit up on me.

She is just perfect. I realized I am slightly biased here but I honestly believe she is the most perfect baby ever. She is alert and strong and clever and sweet and happy and absolutely gorgeous. She's fattening up nicely, too. Her legs are getting longer and longer but they're still adorably chunky. I got a few smiles out of her as well. Roo smiles with her whole face. It is the most delightful smile I have ever seen.

I can't even begin to describe how good it felt to hold her again, to feel her warm weight in my arms and feel her soft skin and hair and breathe in that clean baby smell. I did my best to soak it all in so the memories will sustain me until I next see her. I could have held her forever, I think. But not in an I've-made-a-mistake-and-I-want-my-baby-back sort of way. Just in a she-is-my-favorite-little-person-in-the-world sort of way.

I am so thankful for open adoption. I am thankful for P and M for sharing their sweet baby girl with me, for never making me feel like they resent my presence in their lives or in Roo's life. They are so good to me, and I don't think Roo could have better parents. She belongs with them, and I'm happy she has them. I love her more than I can say and I am so glad I got to see her today. Every second I get with her is precious to me. I know that P and M will never take for granted that they have children, either - that every second they have Roo and her sister is a miracle to them. It's a miracle to me, too. Adoption is such an amazing thing and it has blessed my life in ways I am only just beginning to understand.

Oh, it was good to hold her! And I love visits because each one is a confirmation that I have made the very best decision, that all my pain and sadness have been worth it. She is happy and healthy and smart and strong and content and beautiful and everything I could ever want her to be. When I strapped her in her carseat for the ride home, I was sad for me that the visit was over, but I was happy knowing she was going home to a mommy and daddy that love her and would give the world for her just as I would. I miss her already, but I am glad she is where she is. I wouldn't change a thing about how things have turned out. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.