Nine Weeks and Eternity

Today marks nine weeks since placement. It’s sort of a strange day for me, because now P and M have had Roo for as long as I did. From this point on, they’ll have had her for longer. It’s sort of a relief in a way. Before, I felt as though I had some undeserved advantage in having had her for longer. Now the advantage is theirs, and I think I prefer it that way.

I’m still not sure how I did it, how I drove to the LDSFS office with a baby and drove away without one. I took m y baby, my best blessing and my whole world, the baby I’d grown and birthed and cared for, and I handed her to a woman I barely knew. And I walked away. How did I do that? How could I have? It defied instinct and logic and my very heart. I don’t know where I found that strength, that courage. I don’t consider myself to be a particularly strong or resilient person. And yet I did the unthinkable, the unimaginable. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty proud of myself.

Some people think that having a baby makes you grow up, and fast. I won’t deny that; certainly it will do that for some. But I know that in my case, I didn’t feel that having Roo made me grow any. I only felt I’d truly grown, truly become a mother when I put aside what I wanted most in the world for the sake of my baby. That grew me up in a hurry, I’ll tell you that for nothing.

I like to think that my mom is the best mother in the world. I wanted to be for Roo what my mom has been for me. I realized that part of what made my mom a good mother was being married to my dad, who was a great father. No, I’m not Roo’s mommy anymore. But her mommy and daddy love her more than I think they could ever say. I gave them to her. I think that makes me the best mom in the world. And how blessed is little Roo? She’s got not one but two mothers who love her dearly – one who gave her life, and one who will give her the rest of her life. We should all be so lucky.

I think part of the reason I’m so glad that P and M have had her as long as I did is that I personally feel that she’s more theirs every second they have her. In my mind I see it as this sort of 9-week hourglass, where time flowed from my half to theirs. It probably sounds stupid, but I sort of feel like, okay, now she’s really theirs.

I cannot wait for Roo to go to the temple with her family and be theirs for eternity. What joy! What more could I want for her at this point in her life? I can’t think of a thing. Part of me lived in fear that something will happen, some tragedy will befall their family, before Roo can be sealed to them. I worried about that for a week before I mentioned my concerns to my dear mother.

“Jill,” my mother said, “Heavenly Father would not let you go through what you’ve been through only to let something happen to Roo before she’s sealed. Don’t you think He wants her to have an eternal family just as much as you do?”

How awesome is my mom, seriously? I felt better when she said that. I haven’t worried much since. And I’ve been doubly proud of myself for a time as well. My decision will help Roo to live not just the life that I want for her, but the life that her Father in Heaven wants for her as well. Having an eternal family isn’t just a blessing in the sense that it brings togetherness. It will help Roo to return to live with God again someday.

The decisions we make in life have eternal consequences. I’ve often thought that fact was a negative, but I’m beginning to see that it can be a positive too. These particular eternal consequences are the sweetest blessings anyone could hope for, and I’m looking forward to them.