On the Other Hand ...

As I've read over the things I've written lately, it occurs to me that I haven't painted H in the best light. I don't feel that I've portrayed him unfairly by any means. I haven't made anything up about him and in fact I've left out a lot of negative things I could easily have written paragraphs about.

But, as much as I hate to think of it, he did contribute DNA to Roo. And some day she will want to know about him, and what sort of person he was and what things he did, and I don't want her to be stuck with bad things. I don't want her thinking that there's something wrong with her genetically. So I've been working on some things about H that were good. I was in a relationship with him for the better part of six months. Obviously I saw good in him or that wouldn't be so. Here's what I have come up with so far - things that I would not be upset to find Roo had inherited from him. I'm simultaneously shocked and embarrassed that this list is so short, but it's all I could think of. I'm using the past tense because I don't feel that the person I knew is the person he is anymore. I don't know him these days, but this is who he once was.

H loved music. He listened to almost anything and seemed to know the words to every song he heard.

If I was upset about something, he would do stupid and silly things to cheer me up.

He was the least picky eater I have ever encountered. He loved to try new things - not just eating, but cooking as well. He was always mixing something up in the kitchen, and it was usually something he'd never tried before.

He had a great memory for lines from TV shows and movies. It seemed like he only had to see something one time before he had it memorized.

He was a good employee - he was always doing extra things for work, going in if they needed him, rearranging his schedule so he could help out there more.

He loved to laugh and have fun. He was always doing funny things to try to make something that was boring a little more interesting or entertaining.

He was a good driver when I was in the car with him. I never felt unsafe when he was driving me somewhere.

When I told him the skinny celebrity skanks on the covers of his men's magazines made me feel insecure, he put them away so I didn't have to see them.

When I was with him, when things were good, he made me feel for the first time in my life that my body was perfect the way it was, that I was beautiful and desirable and that a man would be lucky to be with me. He never criticized my weight - he seemed to like that I had a little extra meat on me. In the beginning of our relationship, when he would tell me that I looked pretty, he said it as though he couldn't believe that I'd made the effort for him, that I looked pretty and I was interested in him. It was a heady sort of power, and I miss that. I miss feeling beautiful.

I think that's about it, which is sort of sad. Maybe it's just because of how things ended, but I seem to remember so much more of the bad than the good where H is concerned. And for all the good things that I remember, I remember how they changed, how he seemed to become a different person entirely than the man I met months before.

I don't like H. Sometimes I think that I hate him more than I've ever hated another human being in my life. But in a strange sort of way, I am grateful to him. I am grateful for the times he did make me feel beautiful and loved. And without him, I never would have had Roo, who is the best blessing I've ever had. She has changed my life forever and for the better. I just wish H would have let her change his life, too. More's the pity for him that he didn't. He is missing out on the most wonderful and amazing little girl in the entire world