Unspoken

Things I wish I could say to H:

That I’m sorry about the way things turned out between us.

That we made a beautiful baby together.

That she has his nose, his ears, his dimple. That sometimes I look at her from a certain angle and she looks so much like him that I want to cry.

That she is absolutely perfect, the most perfect baby in the world.

That she defied genetics, and her eyes are pale blue-gray like mine, and not deep brown like his, and they are the loveliest eyes I have ever seen.

That her hair is dark like his but reddish like mine and it looks lighter every time I see it.

That when she smiles, her whole face lights up, and the whole world disappears.

That I’m sorry about so many things. That I wish things had been different. That we could have been happy together and she could have been ours … but that I’m glad that isn’t how things went, because I believe that things worked out the way they were meant to, and she is where she belongs.

That I think that maybe, someday, if it was important to him, he could probably be a good father.

That the adoption wasn’t personal, not about him or me or us. It was about her.

That despite everything that happened, a little part of me still loves him and maybe always will.

That as much as I want to hate him, I can’t, because whether he meant to or not, he gave me the most precious gift in the world.