March 2009, Part Three

Enough whining. I'll return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress ...

Things fell completely apart on March 25th. H and I got into as much of a knock-down drag-out fight as you can get via instant message. It started off when I asked H about the papers I’d had him served with. I’d heard from LDSFS that he hadn’t, and I wanted to know whether that was true. He said he hadn’t filed them.

He said, “I hadn't filed at the time because we started talking socially and you started leaning towards keeping it and the filing was to block the adoption ... at the time I didn't want to block it if that was your choice. Now, I can't block it, but I want something to do with her if your keeping her … As I understood the paperwork, that was to either a) block the adoption or b) be involved in the adoption (such as sharing information). If you are keeping her, I will end up having rights to her. There are things that will need to be filed, but its in our intrests to file the paperwork and get the process rolling once she's born”

“i still haven't made up my mind yet,” I wrote. “i might not until after she's born. in case you were wondering.”

H’s next words shocked me. “if your leaning towards giving her up for adoption at all, please let me take full custody.”

Was he bloody serious? That’s exactly what I asked him. “are you bloody serious?”

He said yes, and I said well I can tell you right now, that’s not going to happen. He said he hadn’t filed because I had told him I was going to keep the baby. I told him that while I had said I was leaning that way, I’d also told him I hadn’t made up my mind yet. He said he was sick of me dragging him around on the issue. I said he could have filed the paperwork any time he wanted. It got worse from there, and I’m not going to get into detail both because it’s private, and because it’s too painful. I signed off after calling him a bad name, and I spent the next half hour or so crying and hating myself for ever being with him in the first place. I experienced the most intense self-loathing I had ever felt before. On the one hand, H had treated me cruelly, and it had been painful. But on the other hand, I felt that I deserved it – that I had brought it upon myself by getting involved with H in the first place.

And I cried for my sweet, innocent baby, who deserved so much better than all of this. She meant so much to me! She was the only thing that kept me going day after day, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating, taking care of myself.

H had said during our fight that if I kept the baby, he had rights. The way the paperwork had been explained to me was that, if he failed to file, he had no rights. I left a message with S to verify that. She called while I was out and told my mother that by not signing those papers he lost ALL parental rights and I didn't ever have to let him near my baby if I didn’t want to. I felt better after that.

I talked to my mom and to my therapist about possibly keeping my little girl. It made me nervous to think about, but I was excited at the prospect of motherhood. I already loved my baby so much. I thought that no matter what happened, I would take a cue from Tim Gunn and make it work.

I wrote this in my journal:

“Went to see "Knowing" with Mum today. Strange movie. You moved around a lot during it, I'm sure you could hear it (it was loud enough and the seats rumbled in parts). Being a disaster sort of movie as it was I started worrywarting. What if I give you to another family and you're in an accident - hit by a car, trapped somewhere, kidnapped, hurt, sick ... how would I ever forgive myself? But then what if I'm naturally less vigilant than two parents would be and something happened to you in my care? A slip and fall, bad food, an abduction, a car accident ... there were so many scenes where Nicolas Cage's son is in trouble or worried and looks to his father. Can I be that for you? Am I good enough, smart enough? What if I'm not a good mommy? What if I don't bond with you right away? What if I start to resent you for being born and messing with my life's timeline and my love life?

What if you've got emotional problems I can't handle? What then?

Sometimes I wish I could keep you safe in my belly forever. You're warm and safe and comfortable and you get all the nutrients and vitamins you need, you get plenty of exercise and never overeat, you can't really be injured, and I don't have to worry about where you are and what you're up to.

What am I going to do with you? I wish I could somehow see the future both ways. What my life would be like, how things would play out. But some things are only for God to know and I'm pretty sure that's one of them. I have to try to have a little faith and do the best I can.”

A few days later:

“I've been so bored lately. I need a little princess to fuss over and care for. You'll keep me busy, that's for sure. We'll have such fun together, you and I. I'll take you places and show you things and play games with you. And I will love you, no matter what. I will love you, because you are mine, my own little girl. I will understand you. I will help. I will do something about your nightmares and anxiety, although I pray you won't have either. I will do anything. Everything. Because the thought of someone else doing any of it breaks my heart beyond repair.”

I wondered what my life would be like in a few months. Could I handle raising a child on my own? Could I deal with the demands of a newborn?

More importantly, could I find the will to go on if I ended up placing my baby with another family?