Plans

I'm leaving for Ireland on the 29th. I'll be there for a month. I'm looking forward to it, although I am nervous.

I mentioned my trip to a few people the other day. Someone said, "I guess you get to do all kinds of cool stuff now since you gave your baby away for adoption."

I wanted to smack them. First off, because I did NOT "give her away." I didn't put an ad for her on Craigslist. I PLACED her. I gave her the world because I love her. And second, I didn't place Roo because she was interfering with my plans. I never look at things like, Oh, look at all the things I can do now that I don't have to take care of my baby.

I would so much rather have Roo than any trip anywhere on earth. I would trade my trip for her in a heartbeat. But I can't. I wasn't meant to be her mama. I'd rather have Roo than Ireland. But I can't have Roo. And so I'm going to Ireland. Everything like this that I do, every trip, every good thing, is a consolation prize. It's what I have because I can't have her. Because I wasn't meant to have her.

I don't regret placing her. Never. I know beyond any doubt that Roo is where God wanted her to be. Placing my baby was the most gut-wrenching, excruciatingly painful thing I've ever done. I could never have done it for any reason other than love.

I miss her, yes. But I'm allowed to make plans. I'm allowed to do things, to live my life, to get out of the house every once and a while. It's a poor substitute, but it's all I've got, and I'm going to make the best of it.