11 Months

My little Roo is 11 months old today. I can hardly believe it.

Her parents sent me a video today, which was an awesome surprise. They're very thoughtful that way, which I so love and appreciate.

It's sort of strange to get a video when I'm so far away. I feel like I'm far away in time and not just distance. It seems like years ago that Roo was born. It seems strange that I was ever pregnant, that I ever had a baby and placed her for adoption.

Last night I had a dream that somehow I ended up pregnant again, and I was devastated because I knew I couldn't parent that baby, either, and I wasn't sure I had the strength to place another baby. In my dream the baby's father was some random guy I met on my trip, and it was horrible (in my dream) to realize too late that I'd done such a stupid thing again, that I'd tossed aside my newfound morals. It was a relief to wake up and know I still had my self-respect, and that I won't have to go through everything again.

I've never been the sort of person to think that dreams have any kind of super-deep meaning but I do think our brains use dreams as sort of an information dump. What I got out of my dream was this: I've come a long way. The distance I have from the events of two years ago has given me a greater perspective, and this was my brain's way of saying, we know better now. We are better than that, and we are stronger.

Distance helps - time distance, that is. I got so sick of other birth moms telling me that time would make things easier. "How MUCH time?" I always thought. And I won't claim to completely be there yet. But the more time passes, the easier it gets, even if just a little bit.

I think, has it really only been 11 months? It feels like forever ago. Because I've come so far! I'm not the woman I was 11 months ago - and I'm glad of it.

And I'm thankful for Roo. She saved me. I'm glad I could return the favor. She is 11 months old today. The world has been a happier place for 11 months. A Roo-ful world is a happier world, I think. I know I'm happier. I know she's happy, too. I can't ask for anything more.