I feel like I've been neglecting my blog lately. I used to blog much more frequently, and I had a lot more to say, and I felt very passionately about the things that I wrote.
I don't mean to imply that I feel any less strongly about what I write anymore, but it's true that I don't feel the burning desire to blog as much as I used to. I've started ten different posts in the past month and I haven't finished any of them. I just don't care as much.
Let me hasten to assure you that this is a good thing. Blogging is a wonderful outlet for me when I need to work things through and when I have something I want to say. I just don't have as much to say or to work through these days. I'm probably a more boring person for it, but I really am very happy with the adoption part of my life lately. Roo is flourishing (have I bragged yet about how she learned to count to ten ages ago?), I'm pleased with the level of openness I have with P and M, and I haven't had an adoption-related crying fit in weeks. Those times when I miss Roo - Roo today, newborn Roo, or the Roo who might have been - or get to thinking too much about how hard placement was, or think about the heartbreak faced by people I know and love who want to adopt, those times don't come up as much anymore.
Which isn't to say that I haven't cried. I'm going to be brutally honest here and confess that every time I hear of the engagement or (planned) pregnancy of a girl who is not old enough to rent a car, I go into a little sad downward spiral and if it happens two or three times in a week, I'll sob into a tray of marshmallow Peeps for a few minutes. I've hidden a lot of these people on Facebook (19-year-olds, all) because their constant chirping about stupid things ("Soooo glad I'm getting married so I don't have to finish college!") brings out Crabby, Bitter Old Jill, and I'm trying to tramp her down until I'm at least thirty.
Where was I?
Right. Adoption. I am in such a good place with adoption right now! I am very happy with how things have worked out for Roo and for me. I cannot even begin to say what a perfectly wonderful, amazing, sweet and clever toddler my little Roo is. I am so happy for her and the life that she has. If someone had told me 18 months ago that today I would have the peace that I do, I would have snapped at them and told them to keep such comments to themselves, only not that nicely. For sure, not that nicely. And then I would have cried about it.
I'm not sure what the turning point was for me. I'm not sure when it got easier to the point that it was just easy. I've tried to look back over the past few months and see what's made the difference. I can't say exactly. To be fair, life is not all unicorns and rainbows. I am perfectly miserable about a lot of different things right now, and a few days ago I cried for a few minutes at the sight of something that reminded me of when I was a mother. But it passed. It always does.
I placed my little girl for adoption, and I am happy. Roo is happy, so I am happy.
I'm not done blogging. Not by a long shot. Neither am I naive enough to think that because I've got such peace now, my days of adoption-related sob-fests are over. But my lows aren't nearly as low, or as frequent. So, the times when more and more days pass between blog posts? Those are good things. No news from me is good news.
If you read this right after I posted it you'll notice that I've edited this post. Someone sent me a super nasty message about it a few hours ago and to keep my migraine at bay, I cut the offending sentences. For the record, I don't hate anyone who marries young (Aubrey married young and I seriously heart her), and I am not a malicious, mean, sad little woman. But thank you, message-sender, for your vitriol. I found your opinions highly amusing.
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9 comments:
Good to know...I guess I can relax and stop worrying about you. But I'll still be missing you and your lovely posts. :)
I'm glad to know how you are feeling 18 months post placement.
Also, I just have to laugh at those who are so easily offended at such things.
I love your posts too, but so glad you are feeling upbeat and happy with your progress and where you are at now. Roo is doing great and pish posh on the naysayers. I also "hide" many friends on Facebook....I can't handle all of the ultrasound pics, birth pics and baby shower pics and there are a LOT.
Hey mean message sender - you're not welcome here. Jill is awesome and if you hurt her feelings again I'll put some hexes on you. I know how. My grandma used to have a voodoo doll. I'm pretty legit at witchcraftery. Don't mess!
Well I think your blog is an inspiration. I hope it doesn't totally creep you out that I am blog stalking you and we have never met! I am not a creep, I promise. And I hide all those people on FB too. Thank you for your inspiration.
Awww sweetie you are awesome!If I knew any single hot DECENT men I would send them your way.
Also let me point out that I was married young to a guy that pulled the wool over everyone's eyes it was not pretty and it ended in divorce...if I had it to do over again. NO I would NEVER recommend getting married young...get your education FIRST in case something happens...and if you do choose to get married young NEVER quit schooling....happily ever after is worked for it doesn't just come.
Sounds like someone (mean message sender) is uber sensitive about SOMEthing to take offense to a post that was not directed at her... tisk, tisk, what a sadly self conscious little girl she must be.
Just read the last two post- PS you are amazing! I kinda freaked out when B's BM got to that point.
I felt like calling her was kind of annoying her b/c she had moved past the pain and started her life. BUT, then her life changed again. We just had her up here for B's 5th day and It was like "no biggie" to her anymore. She's married and has a 1 yr old and such. It is what it is. I guess there's something in me as an AP that wants to make sure those strings stay attached. Even if at times they are fretting or barely holding on to her. I don't want her to disappear on us. Is that wrong of me? But of course i want what's best for B first. Then Her then me. I think it would be odd if we didn't see her for a while. really odd. but,I will try my hardest to not let that happen for the sake of B!
Okay, GLEN- YOU ROCK like Hurricane- you bold man! Such precious gold flows from that man. I feel like that scripture was written about him .."shouted from all the rooftops"
Jill- hope to see you at this years Nationals if you go. Shoot me an email!
Oh, and I'm switching things up at my blog and am DOING IT ALL FREE- not charging a soul for anything. I'll email you a bit about that!
Have a great week!
dangit, now I wish I could have read this before it was edited!
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